Nura Maznavi got a kick out of learning that New York City Muslim mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdanimet his wife on Hinge.
鈥淚t made me feel like less of a loser,鈥 Maznavi said laughingly about meeting her own husband online more than 14 years ago, before apps like Hinge became a dating fixture for many people.
鈥淗e乌鸦传媒 so cool," she said of Mamdani. "Him and his wife are just so New York chic.鈥
Mamdani乌鸦传媒 success on Hinge, as well as the show 鈥淢uslim Matchmaker鈥 on Hulu, provide a glimpse into some of the ways American Muslims meet their spouses, from the traditional to the contemporary. Many navigate the quest for love and marriage while balancing their beliefs, levels of devoutness, diverse lifestyles and a range of cultural influences.
鈥淲e just wanted a realistic assessment of what乌鸦传媒 going on in the love space for Muslim Americans and that we do have unique challenges, but we also have very universal challenges,鈥 said Yasmin Elhady, one of two matchmakers on the reality series on Hulu. 鈥淲e show up in ways that are complicated and joyful and dynamic.鈥
Maznavi, a self-described 鈥渟ucker for romance,鈥 co-edited two collections by American Muslims on love and relationships. She found that people met "through family, through friends, through sort of serendipitous meetings, through college, through work.鈥
Back when she was the one looking, Maznavi, a lawyer, writer and daughter of Sri Lankan immigrants, met people through her parents, friends and extended family.
Then living in San Francisco, she found the pool of Muslims small. Her mom heard a radio ad and suggested she try it.
鈥淚 still resisted,鈥 Maznavi said. Eventually, she relented 鈥 and met her husband there.
Not as many fish in the sea
For Muslims seeking Muslims, 鈥渕ost of us are pretty few and far between and quite spread out,鈥 said Hoda Abrahim, the show's other matchmaker. 鈥漎ou鈥檙e not gonna go to the gym and just be surrounded by people that you could potentially marry.鈥
That may mean having to try a long-distance relationship, she said. Many of her clients already used Muslim-specific and other dating apps, she said.
There're also some in-person events for Muslim singles seeking marriage.
In the show, the matchmakers outline their 鈥淩ules of Three鈥 鈥 three meetings within three months and 300 compatibility questions to go through together. Their matched clients experience those first-meeting jitters, the warmth of a connection or the pain of rejection, and the uncertainty in between.
In assessing a couple's compatibility, the matchmakers consider what they call the 鈥渉alal-haram ratio,鈥 referring to the level of religious observance and how a couple's lifestyles would align.
One participant says she tries to perform the required daily prayers, but doesn鈥檛 鈥減articularly dress very modestly.鈥 She wants someone who乌鸦传媒 open to the possibility of her faith growing and 鈥渨ho goes out" and "enjoys themselves, but 鈥 still follows the tenets of Islam 鈥 and trying to find a healthy balance of what that means.鈥 (She乌鸦传媒 also into good banter and concerts. Hairy men? Not so much).
Another participant says he wants a partner with 鈥淚slamic qualities鈥 and has no strong preference on whether or not she wears the hijab.
鈥淢any Muslims, even if they鈥檙e not a practicing, adherent Muslim, will have certain things that they鈥檙e very intense about: It could be the Ramadan practice. 鈥 It could be that they stay away from pork. It could be the clothing,鈥 Elhady said. 鈥淭here乌鸦传媒 a really serious lifestyle choice that is associated with Islam and I think that in marriage, you are looking for someone to complement your style.鈥
According to a Pew Research Center 2023-2024 study, 60% of U.S. Muslim adults said religion was 鈥渧ery important鈥 in their lives. That's close to the 55% of U.S. Christians who said the same in the survey.
Abrahim said some online disliked the 鈥渉alal-haram ratio鈥 term, seeing it as normalizing 鈥渉aram鈥 behavior, meaning behavior that乌鸦传媒 not religiously permitted. She pushes back. 鈥淲e鈥檙e not normalizing it. We鈥檙e just saying obviously people practice to a certain level."
Dating vs. courting
Then there乌鸦传媒 the debate over what to call getting to know the other person: Is it dating? Courting?
鈥淭his is something we discussed a lot,鈥 Abrahim said. 鈥淚f I say 鈥榙ating,鈥 I mean courting and we actually specified that on the show, like, we鈥檙e intentional and we鈥檙e serious.鈥
Elhady said there were so many positive responses to the show, but noted that some Muslims didn't like the word 鈥渄ating.鈥 To that, she says: Make your own definition, or call it what you鈥檇 like. (Some use the term 鈥渉alal dating.鈥)
鈥淚n their mind, dating is a word that was made for non-Muslims by non-Muslims and it means that there乌鸦传媒 a physical relationship prior to commitment,鈥 she said. 鈥淭he show is not depicting people in premarital sex. 鈥 It乌鸦传媒 depicting people searching for love.鈥
Among the questions that Kaiser Aslam gets asked by some of the students he serves as Muslim chaplain at the Center for Islamic Life at Rutgers University are: How to know if someone is compatible? And how to know them without getting intimate?
鈥淚n the Islamic tradition getting intimate, and sexually intimate is not allowed before marriage,鈥 he said.
He suggests having serious conversations with accountability measures in place, like chaperones, meeting in relatively public places and clearly setting intentions 鈥渢hat you鈥檙e not trying to actually initiate intimacy or intimate contact, but you鈥檙e actually just trying to understand each other.鈥 And, also, talking to the person's friends and family, he said.
Marriage, faith and culture
Muslim Americans are vastly diverse 鈥 racially and ethnically.
鈥淵oung Muslims are finding people of different cultures over and over again, which is beautiful and great to see,鈥 Aslam said.
For some, cultural differences can fuel 鈥渁rguments of like, 鈥楴o, we do marriage this way. No, in our tradition, the guy side pays for this. The girl side pays for this,鈥欌 said Aslam, who乌鸦传媒 performed many marriages and provides premarital counseling.
Some parents object to their children marrying outside their culture, he said.
At times, there can be 鈥渞acist underpinnings,鈥 he said, adding: 鈥淲e have to call it out for what it is. It乌鸦传媒 not religious in any way, shape or form.鈥 Theologically, he said, "we鈥檙e encouraged to make sure that the most diverse, good traditions have the ability of interacting with each other.鈥
Other times, he said, parents fear their children may be running away from their culture and need reassurance.
Tahirah Nailah Dean, who乌鸦传媒 Black and Latina, said she鈥檇 encountered such barriers in her search, knowing that some potential matches were seeking to marry within their own culture and ethnicity. Some of her concerns also echo beyond Muslim communities over racial preference and racial bias in dating.
Dean, an attorney who also writes about Muslim love and marriage, got married at 30 and later divorced.
In her 20s, she navigated the apps, but found dealing with such things as 鈥 鈥 and 鈥渓ove bombing鈥 emotionally draining. She tried matchmaking through the mosque and the 鈥渕atchmaking aunties鈥 as well as getting to know people through activities like volunteering at the mosque. She鈥檇 also asked friends to set her up.
Recently, she乌鸦传媒 returned to the search.
Muslim or not, Elhady of the 鈥淢uslim Matchmaker鈥 show argued, 鈥減eople want to really fall in love 鈥 and it is hard to do in the modern age.鈥
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Associated Press religion coverage receives support through the AP乌鸦传媒 with The Conversation US, with funding from Lilly Endowment Inc. The AP is solely responsible for this content.