One day, as the good people of Canada toiled away, they were set upon by an unknown regal figure. HereÎÚÑ»´«Ã½ how that went down, with apologies to Monty Python.
Prime Minister Mark Carney: Old woman!
Canadian: Man!
Carney: What?
Canadian: I’m a man, not a woman. And I’m 37.
Carney: What?
Canadian: I’m 37. I’m not old.
Carney: Sorry.
Canadian: What I object to is you automatically treat me as an inferior.
Carney: Well I am a Liberal. And your prime minister.
Canadian: Oh, prime minister, eh? Very nice. And how’d you get that, eh? By ‘angin onto outdated imperialist anti-democratic leadership succession dogma which perpetuates the division between the Laurentian elite and the rest of Canadian society. If thereÎÚÑ»´«Ã½ ever going to be any progress . . .
Woman: Dennis! ThereÎÚÑ»´«Ã½ some lovely filth down here. Oo, how d’ya do.
Carney: How do you do, good lady. I am Mark, Prime Minister of all Canadians.
Woman: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
Carney: You don’t vote for Prime Ministers. You vote for a party, and whoever leads that party automatically becomes Prime Minister.
Woman: But there hasn’t been an election in almost four years. So how’d you become Prime Minister then?
Carney: My predecessor, the once-adored Justin Trudeau, his arms tired from holding up the entire country, nobly gave way and passed to me the password for the Prime Ministerial X account, and the keys to 24 Sussex Drive, and the comfiest chair in Parliament, signifying by divine providence that I, Mark, am to be your king, er, Prime Minister.
Dennis: Listen, tired politicians just turning over the keys to a guy whoÎÚÑ»´«Ã½ never before held any kind of elected office is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical ceremony at Rideau Hall.
Carney: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ‘cuz fewer than 40 per cent of the 400,000 registered Liberals in this country voted for you. ThatÎÚÑ»´«Ã½ a ‘mandate’ from only a self-selected group of 136,000 people, a tiny minority inside this country of 40 million people.
Carney: Shut up!
Dennis: I mean, if I went round saying I was prime minister because me, myself, and I had voted for me, they’d put me away.
Carney: Shut up! Will you shut up! (Shakes Dennis)
Dennis: Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Carney: Shut up!
Dennis: Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I’m being repressed!
Carney: Bloody peasant!
Dennis. Oh! What a giveaway. Did you hear that, eh? ThatÎÚÑ»´«Ã½ what I’m on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn’t you?
Prime Minister Mark then storms off and goes in search of his own personal Holy Grail. We’ll see how that turns out.
Ron Seymour is a ÎÚÑ»´«Ã½ Courier reporter.